Diary of an Introverted Asshole

I'm going to just come out and say it - I would rather eat live spiders than hold any semblance of a conversation with a co-worker. I don't care what you think your day is like, how many carbs a tomato has, or whether you think your daughter is sleeping with their physics professor.

Since moving to a new building a few months ago, they've consolidated three of our buildings into this one office and people are everywhere. At this point I discovered an elegantly simple solution - if I smile at people, without breaking stride, I don't even have to acknowledge them. I even get the occasional compliment from my boss for being friendly when all I've done is find the most efficient way of ignoring people.

Yesterday I encountered my first snag in this plan. I received an email suggesting I had volunteered for a food drive. Given that I had never spoken to the sender (frankly I didn't even recognize them), I don't know how that's possible, but they were confirming my time slot.

Luckily, I had a definitely-real-definitely-not-impromptu conference call at the same time, so I wormed out of it, but now I can't seem to shake that I may have inadvertently agreed to Lord knows what around the office and won't see it coming till it bites me in the proverbial.

I definitely empathize with figuring out ways to elegantly pass people in the halls. I consider myself a social person, extroverted at times even; but I need my barriers to survive.

My quality of work, perceived productiveness, and off-hours relaxation has vastly improved once I realized "I'm not an asshole for not making eye contact and plugging in my headphones, it's what is required of me to do my job." I also have the distinct luxury of dozens of coffee-shop like atmospheres to dip into on campus, but I still have to do the dance of being present at the beginning and end of the day.

That dance — what is supposed to be a half hour standup — is quickly becoming a 2 hour daily thorn in my side. The half hour before standup is a waste while I finish one drink, get another, think of what convincing thing I should say in standup, and shoot the shit until the meeting begins. Then we inevitably go over 15 minutes because why not. Then, after the coffee shits are taken care of, maybe I can finally settle down into some work.

I like the vast majority of my coworkers, save for a bullheaded developer or the occasional moments where a partner's personality quirks rub me the wrong way. I can't tell if I'm depressed or satisfied with the fact that I've been relatively successful at carefully keeping people at the right arms' length away to do my job and make it pleasant. It's dreadfully alienating at times but I'm not even sure I'd want to labor alongside close, personal friends. More data needed on the possibility of co-mingling meaningful socialization and wage survival. (Though, it was pretty doable when I worked in the trenches in the marketing agency... Maybe I need to ditch cushy corporate offices for fast paced, i.e. overworked ad agency floors filled with miserable, yet interesting millenials. My nickname here is Junior. )

I am interested at finally getting to work in a smaller company, though. It's really easy for me to not give a shit about or even resent a lot of my coworkers who I simply don't know and will never know on our huge campus. Similarly, I don't want to network with the engineers in Org X unless it's demonstrable that it might positively impact my career to do so, which often just means currying favor with my manager...

Jeez, I make it sound bleak. But, it all helps me sleep at night, lowers my blood pressure, and allows me to enjoy my time with my fiancee more. Call it self care in the post-Office-Space era.

My brother in law and my best friend are on my team at work. Honestly, if nothing else, they provide checks and balances to workplace politics. My friend openly challenges the way I talk or act, which helps me ensure I don't rub people the wrong way. My brother in law acts as a gauge of interest in what's going on in the office - if he is disinterested in something, I know it is appropriate to me to act the same way.

I would advise you heavily consider other options before this. The agency teams I am required to work with are often significantly worse than my day-to-day fare. Because of the stress of their typical workload, they constantly find shallow distractions to pester or make small talk about. I can't tell you how many times an agency call ran long because it was an excuse for them to not get back to work.

Are you me?

Also, on the topic of working with people close to you, it's been positive for me. I worked with my partner for 3 years. While it was sometimes difficult to navigate getting space from each other, I think it helped us understand each other in ways you might not otherwise get exposure to. I was able to see first-hand the ways my partner fights for the people around her, and the how she would selflessly take on high-pressure situations. And it was nice having somebody just understand the shit you have to go through. Likewise, working with your brother has been all upside. He helps me see the bigger picture of how my team fits in, and it's swell having somebody that will advocate for you.

❤️~ (=´∇｀=)

Ok, I was definitely too hasty on the no working with friends and ditching my job for bad agency (although I am interested in some web shops I've worked with in Portland thru my employer, class acts some of them). I just miss all my Seattle fwends!!

Are you me? My daily existing is this, minus the peace of remote work, because the culture here is extremely butts in seats.